There is this. This feeling, I suppose, one of vastness, expansion, emptiness, but fullness all the same. I have to think about it more often than not for it to come to me; Unfortunately, I am not so lucky, nor so practiced, as others for it to come to me naturally.
You see, it is a big feeling, almost overwhelming if you lose sight of what it really is. I want to call it nothingness, but not in the sense that it is negative, but the way Alan Watts describes nothingness – like the nothingness of space, that which holds everything, every something that is.
I want more of it, like a drug, although I know that if it were a drug it would not be as marvellous as it is in fact. Also, I am slightly terrified of drugs and so I am not sure that I would ever venture into nothingness at that point. I will have to write at some point about my fear of drugs – I am afraid they will gnaw away at my brain, and my brain is probably the singular thing I value above all else in myself. It’s another form of vanity altogether.
In any case, it seems to me that there is something wonderfully exhilarating about this concept of nothing, namely because it seems both terrifying and utterly peaceful, and I think that I am okay with that.
I will have to become more okay with this however if this is something I am to adopt. I resolve as of now to keep you updated with this endeavour.