How Not To Be Productive: A Guide for Supreme Distraction and Laziness
Hello internet folk. Allow me to share with you my incomparable guide to achieving and maintaining impressive quantities of laziness and new levels of sheer distraction for distraction’s sake. Whether you are a do-gooder who is always motivated and whose work is always turned in on time and you’re looking for a way out of that hell hole, or whether you are simply looking to refresh your skills in I-don’t-give-a-fuck, I’m certain you’ll find this post particularly insightful. Whatever your (lack of) motivations may be, I’m just glad to help a brother/sister out.
1. Think of some task you have to do. Do you have a 30 page paper due relatively soon? Do you have a project analysis to hand in? Do you have to grade your students’ more than shitty assignments? Whatever it is that you have to do, I want you to think of it, and create a mental picture of yourself performing this task. Well done. Now tell that mental image to kindly fuck off because it has no business involving itself on our journey to absolute laziness.
2. Meet your new best friends: your bed; your couch; your laptop, iPad, or technological haven of choice; pillows (trust me, you need your pillows); and everybody’s favourite, sweatpants. As an English student, I feel as though I should suggest a book, but let’s face it, that shit’s just too much work.
3. Acquaint yourself with Savasana, the most awesome yoga pose ever. Otherwise known as Relaxation Pose or Corpse Pose (a little morbidity never hurt anyone, right?), Savasana involves lying down on your back with your limbs outstretched, and hanging out that way for 5 to 30 minutes. A word to the wise: always choose 30 minutes.
4. Take a tip from Joey and Chandler and never get out of your super awesome and comfy chair for anything. Even if Rachel tells you she’s taking her top off, use a spoon as a makeshift rearview mirror to ensure that she isn’t lying prior to exerting any effort by turning around.
5. Takeout, takeout, takeout. On the day of supreme laze (yes, it’s a word), one does not cook. One uses their technology of choice (see #2) to order food instead. I have no meme for this, so enjoy a somewhat relevant photo of a yummy bowl of spaghetti. This could be yours if you simply call and order, b.
6. Whilst laying in bed, or praciticing some Savasana yogi-style, play some Enya. Know that Enya is appropriate in any of the following situations: relaxation mode, facial and body treatments at the spa, Stellan Skarsgard pulling a torture scene in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Lord of the Rings themed party, etc.
7. Form a laziness encouragement and support group. This involves getting your friends together for collective napping and pantry-grazing.
8. On that note, embrace nap time. You always have time to nap. Just like you always have room for dessert. Or how you always have time for one more episode…
9. Speaking of episodes, start watching a new television series, preferably one that is old enough so that it has enough seasons to sustain your laze and graze mood for an extended period of time, but not so old that it’s irrelevant, because then it doesn’t matter, and if you’re going to be lazy, at the very least, make it count. My recommendations: Community, Arrested Development (it’s back on Netflix!!), Lost (utter disappointment, but addicting for an impressive amount of time), Dexter, True Blood (straight up ho-dunk camp), Game of Thrones (seriously, get on this boat), Mad Men, etc. Also, you could learn a thing or two regarding the mastery of exerting the least amount of effort possible from Jeff Winger.
10. When you eventually come to tire of your newfound TV show addiction (which will sadly happen once you realize that it’s been 4 days and you haven’t showered and that thing you smell is you), fear not, for there is still hope for you. You don’t need to ditch the TV entirely, just switch it up a little. By that I mean m0vie marathons (i.e. awesomeness). Suggestions: Marvel’s Avengers series, James Bond films, Jane Austen films (don’t hate), Harry Potter series (seriously, don’t hate), Pixar films, American Pie, etc.
11. Go to bed. Ignore alarm. Sleep in. Just remember, if there is in fact some task you need to attend to: